Irreplaceable Love

Yesterday I made my annual trek to one of our local event arenas for the big dog show. For more than 15 years I have been attending this dog show cluster. Aside from having had to miss a couple of years because of way too much going on at work, I wouldn’t miss this show for the world. I always take a vacation day off and attend on Friday.

As in any other large all-breed dog show, you have your typical competitions happening simultaneously. You have the grand daddy of them all, conformation, where dogs are being judged against a breed standard devised by each breed’s national parent club and which takes into account the breed history and the old adage ‘form follows function’. Then there’s obedience, where dogs are being judged to perform a series of exercises alongside their handler (usually the owner) under a strict set of rules, without corrections or any guidance or communication from the handler other than the commands themselves. The crowd-pleaser, agility, brings together control, speed, and athletics as handler and dog are put to the test to navigate a challenging obstacle course in a specified order, following specific rules, as quickly as possible. Flyball is another fun crowd-pleaser where dogs and handlers compete as teams in a relay race to beat the clock, sending their dogs to make a mad dash over hurdles, retrieve a tennis ball and bring it back at lightning speed. Then there’s demonstrations such as frisbee, where owners show off the athletic prowess of their Frisbee-catching canine partners, and Musical Freestyle, where carefully choreographed routines between handler and dog are put to music, driving home the essence of ‘teamwork’ that so strongly resonates throughout the whole show, no matter which event you choose to watch.

Perhaps one of the biggest feasts to the eyes is the vendor area. Booths on anything and everything related to dogs and dog ownership can be found at this show! Importantly so, all incarnations of rescue organizations also set up informational booths there, and their work cannot be exulted or commended enough. But if you want to bring a few extra goodies home for your dog, or get a quirky t-shirt with which to display your pride in dog ownership, or get a great cleaner for your carpet to battle those pesky accidents, you are sure to find it here. Sometimes we find more than just the practical. There’s doggie décor, jewelry, and specialty things, like doggie art.

Many years ago one artist’s booth caught my attention, and from then on I've always made a point to stop by to see her work. I met her several times and have had the great pleasure of chatting with her. I would always come by asking “What do you have new on Dachshunds?” Depending on the answer I would walk out either disappointed or excited and with a bag in hand. However, her work is so beautiful that you can’t help but become a fan regardless of what your breed attachment is. She so beautifully captures the essence and character of the breeds. So it was with much excitement that I spotted her booth this year and picked up my step, quickly wanting to make my way over there once again.

This year it was only her husband at the booth. I made nothing of it and just started perusing the displays while he chatted with a customer. Finally that customer left and he and I were able to strike a conversation. I told him how much I enjoy coming to their booth and seeing what new work she has on Dachshunds. A sweet elderly man with a calm demeanor, he sweetly thanked me and pointed at a Dachshund piece that I already own. I told him I already have it and was wondering if she had done anything new. That’s when he shared the very sad news.

The artist passed away 2 years ago to stage-four ovarian cancer. At first I went into that initial state of shock that you go into when you hear that someone that you have known in one way or another and who you expect to see once again, has died. He went on to describe how she found out, the treatments used on her and what it was like for her. I was pleasantly surprised with his willingness to share this deeply personal information with a total stranger. Then again when you’re in dogs, no matter in what the capacity, one of the first things you learn is how much of a family the dog world is. I mentioned that I work in cancer research at a local cancer center and I think this made him want to open up further. He shared the story of a nurse that worked with them at the cancer center and that he ran into at the V.A. hospital some time later when he had to go there for medical care. As it turns out the nurse couldn’t bear the depressing nature of working in a cancer center anymore and transferred to the V.A. hospital. Getting to know the patients, developing friendships with them knowing you’re going to lose them to cancer was much more than she could bear. Indeed, it takes a very unique type of emotional strength to work in patient care at a cancer center.

At one point he became very emotional and, having difficulty fighting back the tears, he put his hand on my shoulder, stopped in mid-sentence, and said “excuse me…” while he tried to gather himself emotionally. I cannot describe how difficult it was for me to inject what strength I could into the moment, seeing how if I, too, broke down, it wasn’t going to help matters any. He was talking about the subject of Medicare, and the issues they had with them not wanting to cover an experimental treatment the doctors at the cancer center wanted to provide. The treatment was one successfully used on breast cancer and which, while tested and shown to work on ovarian cancer, was not yet accepted as standard treatment for it. The doctors felt very confident that this treatment could impact her positively. But it took a very persistent, obstinate team at the cancer center to unyieldingly fight it out with Medicare until finally the latter agreed to cover that treatment. The treatment’s impact was positive indeed – it extended her life by 1½ years. This determination to help is what made him emotional. His outpouring of gratitude couldn’t be more evident; he was overwhelmed.

As we kept on chatting I told him that I was definitely going to pick up a copy of her book, which had come out last year. It's a beautiful collection of portraits of puppies at play to which she added whimsical captions as if knowing what the puppies are thinking. It has a bit of a storybook air to it, making it so charming. You can truly see the magic of her character in this book, and what a special lady she was.

As I was paying him for the book, I asked if they had any children. They had two sons, neither one an artist. He commented on how he is asked about dating and whether he would ever consider it, and in a very strong, emotionally resounding manner, with all the conviction in the world, he shook his head and stated: “NEVER”, his head still shaking long after the word was uttered. “I mean, we were together 49 years... How can you replace that?” he explained, shrugging his shoulders, hands out as if silently begging for an answer.

I made some comment about how replacement couldn’t possibly be the goal, that if anything, it would be more about companionship. I said that, like most things in life, it would happen if and when it’s meant to happen. We have no control over that. He agreed. We chatted a little more, he bagged my book, we hugged, we said our goodbyes and I left. There weren’t enough colors of dog toys or styles of dog collars that could keep me from welling up multiple times after that as I perused the rest of the vendor booths.

I can’t get over how much beauty was left unstated in his fierce denial, in his rhetorical question. How much love, devotion, loyalty, and the sincerity with which he spoke. They made a family for each other, traveled all over the country exhibiting her artwork at the big dog shows, and he was right by her side through thick and thin right through the toughest time of her life. They stayed true to the vow, together literally until death did them part. Now he contemplates moving on, facing life's continuum. 

I can't stop thinking about that story of love, irreplaceable love. The love of loves, my dream of dreams. Meanwhile, another day goes by, another day alone, and I become more convinced that, like so many other things in life, apparently that dream, too, isn’t in the cards for me. Perhaps it has already come and gone, maybe remaining irreplaceable indeed. Who knows. After all, there's so much we cannot control.