Completeness

Remember this?

 

Who would have guessed as we first watched "Jerry Maguire" back in 1996 that two lines from this scene would gain the immortality that they did. "You had me at hello" has become as notorious as lines such as "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" or "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore". And then there's "You... complete me."

What does it mean, "You complete me?" Should relationships be about being 'completed' by someone else? Does this mean we're not whole until we find that special someone? Should that be what we seek in a partner, 'completeness'?

In one sense, no. But in another sense, definitely.

No, you shouldn't need someone to make you who you are. You shouldn't depend on another person in order for you to be your own. You shouldn't need another human being to act as a crutch of sorts, without which you can't ambulate through life. Your own sense of self should come from within, from having found yourself and rejoicing in what you have discovered, and staying true to that. You should grow and develop as an individual without the need for anyone else. 

The thing is, I don't see "You complete me" as an expression of need. It is not an affirmation of the type of weakness that renders us incapable of making it through life. It is not a declaration of incompleteness of self. It is not acceptance of being unfulfilled in life. To me, the phrase invokes something much deeper than that. 

We all go through life trying to discover what our strengths are so that we can capitalize on them. Early on we need to find out what we're good at so that we can narrow down a career path. We carve out our lives around that. We make a point to exploit our strengths. And if we're really lucky we discover that these are not only strengths but passions that fuel our soul. For some people career equates with life. They don't have a career to make a living; they live for their careers. Such passion is truly commendable, even enviable. (But perhaps it also begs the reminder that no man ever said on his deathbed "I wish I had spent more time at the office".)

Together with our strengths invariably come weaknesses. I'll be hard-pressed to find someone who is perfect. We are all flawed. Be it little things, like the proverbial toothpaste tube left uncovered or drinking straight out of the milk carton, or deeper flaws, like spending too much money on trivial things driving your bank account into the red every month, or not being able to say "I've had enough" after X number of beers, or being one who cares not about what your words do to others.... Defects, issues, flaws. We all have them.

We should be so lucky to find someone in life that loves us so unconditionally, so genuinely, so purely, that not only do they tolerate these imperfections - a tolerance grown out of their love for us and the realization that they, too, are less than perfect - but most importantly, they aid in complementing them. Someone that helps us become tempered before we lose our temper, to calmly help us see why we're over-analyzing a situation to death when that isn't necessarily in our best interest, who has no issue helping to manage the finances because quite frankly, we stink at it, the person with the level head at a time when we may be too emotionally charged to exercise clear judgment. And someone whose love for us is such that they realize that, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really hurt for the toothpaste tube to remain uncapped, that you can buy an extra carton of milk, that you can deal with minutiae because, truly, there are much more important things in life to worry about. They truly accept us just the way we are; they want to. Love's funny like that.

The black to my white, the hot to my cold, the ying to my yang. THAT is "You complete me" to me. 

When completing a jigsaw puzzle, you focus on one piece and look and look in the pile for that one other piece that fits perfectly next to it. That one piece that will conform exactly to the contours of the one you already have down. You don't have to cut off anything about either piece to make them fit. They just go together perfectly, without adjustments, effortlessly.

In being complemented you don't change; nobody should make you do that. When you find that right person, they accept you just the way you are - love works that way.  They should fall in love with the you that YOU love. But in finding that special someone, and in being that perfect complement for you, they compensate for those things on which you're weak; they have what you lack. You don't have to change to have those things. They do. And they don't have to change to have what you bring; you already have it. This compensation comes naturally, from the fact that they fit so well with you. If it feels like a chore, it may be that you're forcing the issue. If it feels like a task, maybe it's because it is. If it feels like you're having to work so hard at it, maybe it's because you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. When it's a perfect fit, it should all fall into place naturally. Like the very beautiful song by the very talented k.d. lang, love is "Simple".

Does that mean you need to have them in your life? Maybe, maybe not. That depends on whether or not you think you need love in your life, or whether or not you feel you're perfectly fine going through life alone. We all go through life taking our virtues as well as our flaws everywhere we go. That wouldn't change. But if you find this special someone, one day you realize that together you make such a bigger, stronger whole than you did while you were apart. That as much as you were two perfectly fine, full individuals with strengths and weaknesses when you were apart, having found each other makes weaknesses be complemented, flaws be compensated for, strengths elevated and supported, while still remaining true to who you are because you can, because no one is demanding that you change. You two become a new one and you're much stronger for it. And importantly, you love and are loved in the process. 

Perhaps you've never had someone look you in the eyes like that famous scene in Jerry Maguire and tell you "You... complete me". Perhaps you lack the courage and confidence to look someone in the eyes and tell them that. Perhaps you haven't loved that deeply yet. Perhaps you use a lack of need for completeness as an excuse to nestle yourself in the haven that is solitude because there you may be alone but you're also sheltered from pain (albeit sadly, also devoid of love). Or perhaps you feel you have no need for any of this because you are so self-absorbed, living a life so centered on self. If the latter, I believe it's your loss. As an individual you may be whole, but you're not.... complete.